tv The Colbert Report Comedy Central February 15, 2012 11:30pm-12:00am PST
everyone, meet my boyfrie!d hey. that's the guy i was telling you about. hi! i'm diet dr pepper guy. let me get you a drink. wow. i just didn't believe you. oh, i know! he thinks a drink as satisfying as has no calories! it's true. and diet dr pepper has the 23 flavors you love. it just tastes so good! oh no... anyone got a mop?
cheers and applause). >> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here it is, your moment of zen. >> will you be my valentine? >> i want the chocolate but there's a bit of a waiting list. >> thank you so much! courtny, i love you, baby. >> yeah, that was the best thing to say. courteny is the captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by >> stephen: tonight, newt gingrich gets a powerful new supporter. i assume it's an orthopedic belt. ( laughter ) plus a new look at our founding fathers. get ready to change everything you thought you knew about button gwinnett. then ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause )
a dutch put lenses on an elephant. thee looked so much younger without the glasses. this is the "colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you for joining us, ladies and gentlemen. wow. wow. thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen-- ( cheering ) oh, ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much. thank you so much for that applause. i gotta say, my mind is cleary
now. nation, tonight is the all-important florida primary. now normally i do my show live, but tonight i pretaped it at 7:30 because that is midnight for the average floridian. ( laughter ) so i don't know whether mitt romney or newt gingrich won, but we do know one thing for certain-- tomorrow both of them can go back to ignoring latinos. ( laughter ) now, the polls say that romney's got this one, and his appeal is obvious. yesterday, he serenadethe crowd at one of florida's elderly storage facilities and proved that his mansions aren't the only things with the golden pipes ♪ oh, beautiful for spacious skies for amber waves of grain ♪ for purple mountains majesty above the fruited plain
♪ america, america ♪. >> stephen: it's just like jazz. ( laughter ) it's the notes you don't hit. but, folks, don't be surprised if newt pulls an upset because yesterday, former godfarther's pizza c.e.o. and presidential candidate in 30 minutes or less, herman cain, made this strong endorsement. >> ducky-ducky. ducky-ducky. i wish he was still in the racy-wacy. ( laughter ) by the way, the duck that he shucked has signed a nondizz closer agreement. but herman saved the shuck jest of the duckies for his real endorsements. >> i like newt gingrich for president of the united states! >> stephen: yes! cain endorsed newt gingrich.
then immediately went on the "today show" to make the compelling case that only president gingrich can save america. >> are you comfortable with mitt romney securing the nomination? >> yes, i could be very comfortable with mitt romney. >> stephen: okay, okay. ( laughter ) he still likes newt but he's comfortable with romney, and that's a great endorsement right there. i'm not sure even romney is comfortable with romney. ( laughter ) and endorsing both mitt and newt makes sense. if you remember cain's runner endorsement from a week ago. >> the people. we, the people of this nation, are still in charge. that's who i'm endorsing. >> stephen: yes, he is still endorsing "we the people." newt gingrich is just the people he's starting with. romney was next. he'll eventually get to everyone. ( laughter ) but for now, folkes, i am endorsing herman cain's
endorsement of nuke. newt's my guy. i have supported gingrich since the very beginning of this sentence. and i am not alone in my newfound, long-standing love of newt. i mean, he's got the packing of power players, like friend of the show and closer friend of lobbyistes, during the dukester. the former california representative currently serving eight years for the largest bribery scandal in congressional history. dukester sent a letter to newt pledging not only his support but that of his peers writing, "i have 80% of inmates that would vote for you." ( laughter ) ( applause ) yes. that is destined to be the largest cigarettes for votes scandal in u.s. history. ( laughter ) now another fellow newt-keteer, governor sarah palin, who took a brief break from taking a long break from governing alaska, to give the best reason for backing
newt-- pure fight. >> we need somebody who is engaged and relentless and isn't afraid to shake it up, shake up that establishment. so for for no other reason, rage against the machine, vote for newt. annoy a liberal, vote newt. >> stephen: yeah. annoy a liberal. ( laughter ) newt is like a flaming bag of poop you can vote for. ( laughter ) ( applause ) so, so-- ( cheering ) newt can still take this one, folks. unless they count the votes by the time this airs, in which case i knew it was romney the whole time. now, nation, there is no one we americans revere more than our founding fathers, who created the greatest, freest, humblest nation in history. that's why we put them on our monumentes, our mount rushmores, and our camel cash. let us never forget general joseph camel leading his troops
into flavor country. the liberals were always trying to sully the things our founding fathers did by talking about the things our founding farthers did. take chris matthews. >> everybody knows thomas jefferson had a relationship with sally hemings and had kids. james madison who draftlet the constitution had over 100 slaves, had them all his life. didn't even free them in his will. >> stephen: of course he didn't free them in his will. imagine the shock to his children-- first they lose their farther, then they lose their slaves. plus who is going to dig the grave and pass the biscuits at the funeral. and why, why, folks needlessly tarnishing his reputation for banging french who ares. i prefer to think of him banging american whors. o. ( cheering )
bravo. worst of all, folks, there's the new exhibition, slavery at jefferson's mont shell oh, paradox of liberty, which turns jefferson's historic home into a reminder that over the course of his life, jefferson owned 600 people. but that is conveniently ignoring the fact that thanks to jefferson, those slaves were living in a free country. fortunately, some modern paris are defending our founders, and they bring us to tonight's word. ( cheers and applause ). american history x.'d. for a year, one group has waged a counter-offensive against these founding father fact attacks. >> some members of the tea party say what's in your child's textbooks may be giving them a negative opinion about our nation's history. >> the tea party is telling state politicians we need to tone down talk of slavery and
stop making it about race. ( laughter ). >> stephen: yes, please, stop making slavery about race. everybody knows it was about economics. black people just happened to be a great investment. now, a spokesman-- ( laughter ) a spokesman for the tennessee tea party says they just want to address "made-up criticism about the founders intruding on the indians or having slaves or being hypocrites." yes, that is totally made-up criticism. the founders didn't intrude on the indians. they knockfirst, then killed them. the point is, no one-- no one's talking about rewriting history. just cutting out chunks of it. of course, that will leaf a few holes in our history books, so we adults needs to come together to get our stories straight. now,, you know, we've got to do this just in case the kids start
asking uncomfortable questions like, "why is the sky blue?" and "what happened to the arapahoe?" so if the kids-- if the kids ask, george washington didn't own slaves. remember? he and martha generously adopted hundreds of african children to cultivate their tobacco. they were like the 18th century brangelina. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and andrew jackson-- ( applause ) old hickory didn't force the civilized tribes on a five-state death march. they were hiking the appalachian trail and got lost. i mean, we're still looking for them. in the 19, we're keeping uheir continent warm. of course, we're also going to want to cut out this part of our history where we're lying to our kids about those parts of our history. but i think in the end, they'll thank us for not teaching them the bad parts because those who don't learn their history are
book being released on an electric razor. please welcome bjork. ( cheers and applause ) hey! lovely to meet you. thank you so much. now, now, we actually are recording this interview after you sang the song. but when we broadcast this interview will be before the song. so are you willing to keep up the facade for the audience at home that this is happening first? ( laughter ) >> okay. >> stephen: you good with that. >> tame travel. >> stephen: we're doing a little time shuffling. >> okay. >> stephen: why art? ( laughter ) because you are an artist, right? you explore art in all of its forms, not just music, correct? >> well, i'm mostly about music. it's always about music. >> stephen: right, but this
album in particular isn't just music. it's got this graphic interface here. let me show. the album is called phiothellia and it has apps that go with it. it's a great album. i have to tell you the apps are kind of dangerous because i was trying to watch your album while driving to work today and nearly killed myself. like look at this. are we turned up here. look at this. look at this. an app that allows you to-- i goat to join the song. ( applause ) look at that. and then if you go through the phases of the moon, it changes what the song is like. >> yup. >> stephen: that is extraordinary. okay. that being said-- ( laughter ) it's-- it's still playing. ( laughter ) it's in control. there you go. all right.
this is-- this is a debacle. going nowhere. but-- what-- why is-- why the apps to go with the songs? i wanted to write the album on a touch screen, and i started out in 2008. and that was, like, two years before theipad came out, so i couldn't imagine that would happen, right? so while i was writing on the touch screen, i got really excited because it was the first time i could sort of-- because i can't really play the guitar and sing at the same time. and i can't really play the piano and sing at the same time. so i was, like, finally i can be a troubadour. >> stephen: did you actually create the album in that way? you dreamed of creting the ambull that way with a touch screen? >> i did. i just think when you do touch
screen it's different. it's a different sensation to write music with a mouse. like, how did you do your double album. like this. >> stephen: now you can do it like this. ( laughter ) or like that. ( laughter ) can i lick your album? can i lick the apps? you know what would be great-- a scratch and sniff album. >> that would be good. >> stephen: the thing that worries me is you're mixing science like physics. you're singing about physics and talking about physics and using this to teach kids about science and music at the same time. why sully music with something ages ugly as science? can't trust science. >> i was quite excited about science. when i was a kid i loved math in school. >> 2 plus 2 equals 4. >> suddenly i had the touch screen in my lap, and i was
like, wow. now i can start to map out how i feel songs should be in a more intuitive way, and that sent me back to when i was in music school in iceland -- >> stephen: can i ask you a question about iceland? >> yes. >> stephen: do you people believe in elfs there? i read you people believe in elfs in iceland? is that true? >> we do. but you guys believe in ghost, right? >> stephen: oh, yeah, ghosts are real. we have, like, ghost hunters on tv. you can only see them with one of those green light cameras, though. you have real elves, in the volcanic areas, you go up there and there are powerful order-worldly bee, right? >> it's sort of a relationship with nature, like with the rocks they all live in the rocks, so you have to-- it's all about respect, you know. >> stephen: you gotta respect the elves? >> yeah. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: well, bjork, will you stick and around do a song for us later? >> yes.